Ok, last time I told you about the Fibromyalgia, the restless leg syndrome, the irritable bowel syndrome and the insomnia and my thyroid, the weight gain, Not breathing thing when I sleep. So, I am supposed to wear a CPAP machine when I do sleep. It blows air into you when you stop breathing. Trouble with that is I can't stand to wear it. I get clausterphobic or something and wake up tearing it off of my face trying to breath.. So, I just deal with the stop breathing thing. Most of the time I don't notice, but I know when it has been bad because I have very intense detailed dreams which I wake up very tired from. Other times I will wake up with a headache and the whites of my eyes are as red as Cherries. But I don't have too many choices.. So I do what I can..
I also told you I was suffering from deep depression and anxiety.. The anxiety was from my life being totally OUT of my Control. Not being able to Work. Not being able to even get the house cleaned like I was used to doing.
Now things took me forever because I had to stop all the time and take a break.
But, I have always been Stubborn and this time it actually paid off because I didn't give up, Well at least not completely.. I still did the housework.. but instead of it taking a day to do it all , it would take me 5 days to do it all.. But that is ok.. It was still getting done and by me :)
The other thing I did, because I was so totally bored at home all the time and because you can only feel sorry for yourself for so long before that gets really boring too, I decided since I have always wished I could draw that I would find a way to learn when I had the energy and my housework was done for the day..
So, I went online and looked up free kids drawing lessons. You would be surprised at how many there are. :) And I started with the simplest things and drew them and when I felt good about how I was doing I would try something harder. The other thing I did was read about drawing. Technique and shading and distance and whatever I could find that had to do with drawing I was reading it.. As my confidence grew I went to free drawing lessons, which was for adults. I was scared to death....lol.. I figured this is where I would get stuck and never go any further.. But I was wrong.. it was pretty hard at first, but I just kept trying and doing a little bit at a time.
The wonderful thing about learning all of this was when I was doing it I was so focused on learning that I didn't feel my pain. It was the best drug I had yet and it was free and non fattening and I got to see results. :)
Now years later I can draw anything I set my mind to drawing, with the exception of Profile pics. I can draw a face, but it is just always missing that special something that makes it look real.. I haven't figured out how to capture that yet, but I do still try now and then. :)
I am best at drawing animals, any kind of animal, especially birds.
So things went on like this for about 4 years or so.. I was happy when I was doing my art but other wise not happy about much of anything else, which I thought was sad too because I've always been such a smily, laughing kind of person.. and now I wasn't.. I really didn't talk to my friends or family much either cause I didn't want to burden them or whine to them all the time. Even I got sick of hearing me at times.. That is bad..lol
Finally I decided I had had enough and asked my Family Dr. about my depression and anxiety. He said he thought it would be best to talk to a shrink.. So that is what I did.. Called and set up an app to see him the next week.
After telling him some of my past and then about my medical issues and the major depression and the big anxiety attacks he told me he thought I was bi-polar.... I had to think about that one a bit.. My younger sister is bi-polar and I don't act anything like her..
Don't get me wrong.. I can get mad REALLY quick.. but it's not without someone provoking me.. but mostly when I was well I was pretty happy all the time.. The Dr. said that isn't always what makes you bi-polar. He said it is how when I do things and am up or having a high as he put it, I will go a hundred miles an hour and not stop til I've done what I want to get done.. Then when I have my lows I drop to zero and will do nothing at all.. There is no in between with me.. It's always one or the other.. And he said the anxiety or panic attacks come in because of the bouncing back and forth.. It's hard to plan things in your life when you never know what MOOD you will be in.. And now with all my medical issues and pain on top of it, it has just made things that much more intense..
Soooooooooo.....
He said he was going to take me OFF of what my Fibro Dr. put me on because Cymbalta is supposed to work really well to block pain sensors that the Fibromyalgia is making go crazy! Plus of course it would help my depression too. So he gave me a prescription for that and also some anxiety pills for when I have high anxiety or panic attacks..
I left his office Kind of happy and kind of sad.... Cause who wants to be Bi-Polar right??
But yet, if the new meds he gave me helped more then what I had been taking then YES that would be so great!!!
Well, for once a Dr. I went to was right.. The Cymbalta did help a lot more then any of the other meds I had taken before. No I was not totally out of pain, but most of the time it was bearable.. So, that meant I could do more.. move around more.. get my housework done easier and even get more sleep.. I was soooooooooooooo Happy then.. I felt there was a chance for me to get a somewhat Normal life after all..
As it turned out I still had some really bad days.. I would have about 2 or 3 good days and then 2 or 3 really bad ones.. But I still pushed to do as much as I could on my good days.. I figured at least when I was in pain again it would be cause I got things done, not just because I have Fibro...
After that I kept my shrink and dropped the Fibro Dr. And just went back to my Family Dr. I told him all that had happened and what I decided to do about the shrink and the Fibro dr. And I told him since He was going to be my main Dr. now, could he please give me some pain pills for the bad days?? He said of course he could. I told him I will only take them when it is really bad cause I don't want to get addicted. He said that was a good plan.. And to this day I have done very well with them.. The days when the pain isn't too bad I never take the pain pills.. and when I have days where I feel like I've been ran over by a truck and every joint in my body is killing me.. then I take the pain pills and try to sleep as much as I can... So far it seems to work pretty well... I at least feel like I HAVE a Life now, even if it's not so predictable..lol
Oh.. I forgot.. before I dropped the Fibro Dr. I was sent to a pain specialist too.. He did X rays of my lower back and that is how we found out that I have 3 bone spurs in my lower back and arthritis.. WE tried shots to my lower back but that didn't help.. So we tried physical therapy.. that didn't help.. and after that he seemed to be out of idea's.. so I stopped going to see him..
Then 2 years ago my daughter, her husband and our grandchild Saige (who was 3 then) moved in with us for a year cause they were moving back to Des Moines from Mason. They needed to find jobs here and save up money for a house.. So, I babysat while they worked.. OMG.. trying to keep up with a small child when you have all the ailments I do is NOT an easy task.. but at the same time it was the best thing for me because I HAD to move no matter what because he needed my help.
I would be in pain while watching him, but he would make me laugh and he would entertain me with the stuff he built out of blocks and so on, so he was great therapy.. probably better then my art even cause he made me physically move around.. but as soon as one of his parents would get home I was done.. It's like my body would just shut down on me.. So I would always go lay down for a couple hours and rest.
As time went on he got bigger and I got stronger.. And because of him I lost 50 of the 80 lbs I had gained at thru the first year of being on the bad meds and sleeping so much..
So, I guess what I think is this.. No matter what you go thru... There is always something good to come from it.. I lost a lot.. but I gained a lot too.. And yes I am totally a different person today then I was back then, But I like who I am.. Most days I have a smile on my face and I try to always think positivie and to look forward to the next day and what I might be doing or learning in my art or from Saige. :)
It also helps to have a supportive family.. which I do.. My husband went to almost EVERY app I had.. and he has always been there for me from day one. I also have some pretty great friends that keep me laughing and upbeat and that helps so much.
I have aged a lot thru all of this, mentally and physically.. But it is what I have been given and I will make the best of it. :)
If any of you have any questions or comments you would like to make, please feel free to ask or say what you are thinking. I will answer anything I can.. and if I don't know the answer I will find it out and get back to you. :)
OK.. I think that is about All of my Medical side.. so I guess tomorrow I will go back to talking about me as a child.. :)
Have a GREAT DAY and God Bless you All :)
Aunita
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